Assalamualaikum. Hi!

I finally started blogging again yay! Hopefully I'll be more consistent InsyaAllah! 

The reason why I started writing is to penned down my thoughts and feelings so that I won't be so overwhelmed by it. I also heard that it's a good way to be more positive. 

So let me give it a try! I used to write diaries while I was younger but I stopped somehow.

My first post for today will be on my 1am thoughts. So it's 12th Muharram 1442H now.

My nephew was just born recently and I heard his name will be the same as my ex’s. I don’t know if I should classify this person as an “ex” since I don’t think there was any relationship at all. We were too young to know the meaning of relationship anyway. Let’s call it a friendship instead.

The friendship ended up badly, I would say. There was no closure and it was all my fault. However, I feel that it traumatised me more than the other party.

I don’t care what names my cousins would like to choose for their children but this certain name is like a thorn in my heart. I can’t imagine how awkward it’ll be since my other cousins know that I used to be friends with this person and how the relationship was like. 

I find this name haunting me. Why are you living so happily and peacefully when you’ve left me traumatised? Why am I scared of getting into a relationship while you’re married?

I think the fact that he was my first guy friend ever and the first guy to hold such an important position in my life makes it much more saddening. The young me did not know much and put my heart on the sleeves I guess. 

Secondly, I shouldn’t be blaming anyone, I know, but I’m also low-key traumatised by his family. I sometimes find myself hating them. They affected my life so much when I was younger and my good friend is actually a cousin of his. I wish I can just break off contact but she’s an important friend to me. I just can’t help but to dislike everyone in her family except her and some other people. They’re really nice but those bad memories keep haunting me and I can’t change my opinion of the rest of them. 

It actually hurts me because nobody knows what I’m feeling. No one in my family knows what happenned and how it impacted me sooo much. My friends might know the story but they don't know how it affected me too. 

I actually pinned after him for years after our friendship ended. I’ve imagined scenarios of us getting back together for so long. I fed myself with such delusional thoughts with no one stopping me. I think that I’ve liked him for 5 years? before I finally snapped myself out of it. I don’t even know if it was even genuine “like” or just what I assumed it to be. 

Nonetheless, it was a past that I have desperately struggled to moved on from, and something I do not want to remember. 

This post is to remind myself that I am not weak, I have moved on and he should not be affecting my life as much as I am imagining. I want to tell myself that you’re a strong person for going through that and coming out as the person you are now. They may share the same name just like thousands of other people do, but they are different. You’ll teach your nephew to be a gentleman who does not hurt any girl’s feelings. You’ll be that aunt who he’ll look up to. 

This name will bring you joy instead. So, continue to stay strong!